Mixed signals.

Burned that bridge in haste. Impulsively. As fast as I could. At that very moment, it seemed like the only rational thing to do. Its time to declare war my head told me and I just couldn't find it in my heart to make room for the benefit of the doubt.  Its the last place I want to be. You weren't there anyway. Why does every word I write to you still sting so deeply, taste so bitter. I feel it, right here, in the middle, my heart. Overtaken by the intensity of that feeling.  Heavy emotions, you always let them intervene it makes me feel weighed down. The anchor, yours. Stop dragging me down, thats not what you do. You lift me up. You confuse me. I told you, I only see the good in you. But lets get real, I always saw the best in you. Come closer. Now go away. Stop misreading the signals.. Go away.

The capacity to accept delay.

You told me not to worry. Wait and see. Things fall into place. I believe every word you said so I waited. Like I always do. Your wink, a mentors pat on the back. You trained me, oh so perfectly. To wait. To wait for every piece of the puzzle to fit together. To wait for things to fall into place. The way they should be, you said. You see I waited, just like you asked me to. You see, I waited .. a little longer than you asked me to. Always remember, the rule of the two extremes you said. Letting go and holding on and you told me all about the very fine line that separates them. You said both need patience and I knew even then I still had to wait. Do you remember? I was unable to see where I stood, on which side of the two extremes. How did I get there? Blinded. Distracted. Alone. 

I was too busy waiting.. Waiting like you taught me to, waiting .. for you. 

The Bloom and Fall.

One day I was by the window. Looking out. I wanted to be there, by the beach. Feeding my heart with the sound of the waves. I longed to hear that beautiful sound. I closed my eyes. Imagined the soothing sound of the big blue sea, as the waves hugged the shore. Serenity. The feeling of being infinite. Free. Tranquil. I still wait, as flowers wait for May. Dreading the wait, as leaves dread fall. How can something so beautiful, be this ugly? Suddenly that day passed, nothing changed and that year went right by.

Burgundy and defeat.

I'd say, I'm numb. I would say it over and over again. I am not. I feel it. Stronger than ever. Feelings flare up. I barely hear my own voice. I would say I've never been in a situation more painful, but I have and I felt it then as I feel it now. Emotions, are terrorist. They win. 

It is this time of year, July, the tricky part of July, that manages to always takes revenge. Different ways, the very same result. Defeat. 

Emotions can control every single fiber of us, like puppets on a string. Life makes a complete joke out of everything. What good does wishful thinking ever do? 

Dots.

Some cultures speak through silence, and learn through listening. However, the society and culture we live in speaks the language of rumours, false assumptions and accusations, fiction and a little spicing things up.  I wouldn't say we learn through listening, because we rarely do. We feed on the things we hear, and so badly want to believe. By that we start catagorizing other people as, the enemy. Simply because the only rational, sane, normal thing to do is judge. Putting each and every little detail that is none of our business, under a microscope. One with a broken lens, one that only shows us what we want to see, the art of make believe. Only reflects on who we are. At some point in your life, you realize that you are above certain things and that is exactly why you lose the urge to act upon them. Only because, they don't matter to you. I was raised by parents who taught me to always raise above. Remember, everything that is far from the truth, past on by little minds is merely a reflection of the person who started them. Exactly why I decided to raise above, sit back and watch the world connect the dots on its own. 

Lace and sunlight.

White. Peonies. Sunlight. And maybe lace. Clarity. Compromises. Gold in the air. Plenty of beauty in simplicity. The smell of freshly cut grass. I vividly remember the streets we were walking, the patch of that sidewalk, mid-summer day, laughter, giggles and happiness. I can still see the brightness the dark grey cement brought to my blue shoes. The contradiction. And that wasn't all there was more to that day and all the other days than just that. But everything else after is a blur. Faded, mostly gone. Usually, the question is, why do we only remember bitterness? In the face of what truly matters, we seek refuge in what makes more sense to pride and less sense to compassion. Remember, what made us happy then? That trademark twinkle in your eyes? Remember, how only the little beautiful things matter? Remember, when it was us against the world, hand in hand? Remember, why we stick together? Remember, where we had the time of our lives? Because I do. How can I forget. It brings back, all the joy and laughter and I feel it as I recall how you and I were the center of our little universe. Back when my circle only fit two feet. Ours. 


If your past was in a glass house. Would you be looking in or looking out?

Cliche

Forgiveness. You forgive, for your sake. Forgiveness, serves you more than the person that wronged you or vice versa. In the long run, this is for you, for me, for us. Every one of us has been betrayed and hurt at some point. Feeling hurt is completely and utterly a normal part of being a human being. You see pain can linger and stay for a long time, more than it should. Paying its unwelcomed visits every now and then constantly reminding you of every single brutal memory. Dragging mind numbing, inevitable feelings. I am one of those girls that wish they could magically change the past, change what has been done to me, change what I may have done to others. Change every little thing that fills me up with deep seated resentment or remorse. Right all the wrongs. I think we spend too much time feeling guilty and resentful, focussing on things we can't change rather than what we actually can change. Stuck in the past, constantly pressing rewind. As human beings, we want to forget, we want to erase, we want to get past everything turbo speed. Thing is, you can't simply forget if you can't accept, or forgive. Forgiveness needs effort, patience, time and practice. The trick is to write about forgiveness like I know how, as if I mastered the art of acceptance and forgiveness. Smart? The sad truth is you'd be very wrong to think, that it worked. As I sit and try to convince myself with words that are written by me to me. As much as I just made it sound simple and easy, forgiveness is not anywhere close to practical. And as much I'd love to be the bigger person, today I choose not to be.

Shut.

I've been out of words, out of feelings, out of everything I was so full of or thought I was. I'd love to say, I've been in a bubble, as much as it sounds like sweet isolation or blissful ignorance, its much more dreamy than being where I am. Trapped. Anxious. Uneasy. More claustrophobic than ever.